'The luckiest man in Basingstoke and outlying districts'

For the Funeral of Andrew Robert Fraser 

The Sustainability Centre, East Meon, Hampshire

12th April 2013 

Dear Anwyn, Bruce, Jesse, Layla, Charlie, Graeme and friends and family of Robbie,

 I know  Robbie would wholeheartedly approve, if I take a few moments to recognise  Becky and the true love she shared with Robbie. I have  been close friends with Rebecca Alyson Hay for our entire adult lives. While I would like to say our friendship is a balanced one, the truth is that Becky has been there for me in a way I have never been able to repay.  I have sought her counsel, loving patience and intelligent guidance throughout my life. When my Father died in 1996  it was Becky who saw me through the complex grief and chaos that accompanied that loss.  Becky has, as Robbie might say, put a lot of money in the bank of love.

 Becky has also, over the years, had her fair share of unhappy times. So it was with joy and huge satisfaction that we saw her settle under the broad wing of this man, set up home, nestle in and become a vital part of his family.

Becky softened Robbie's hard edges, but, because she loved and approved of him, she didn't dampen him or cause him to lose any of what made him so special. The embodiment of the expression 'still waters run deep', calm and compassionate Becky was Robbie's perfect compliment.   Robbie and Becky had that elusive kind of love  that only bolsters each other's confidence,  and sense of security. Every time I have called Becky since she got together with Robbie, and asked  'How are you doing?',  she has replied, 'yeh fine'.  And that spoke volumes, that means Becky was happy and happy and happy.

When she met Robbie she was massively attracted to him. She loved  his absolute honesty, no game playing, no nonsense, you knew exactly what you were getting. It probably wouldn't surprise people to know, says Becky, that Robbie was just a little a bit sexist. Becky knew Robbie was with her for life, when after a few months, he said:

'You're excellent, you've got a man's brain, you are Jason Flowers in a pretty woman's body'.

Working from home, they spent every day together. If Becky was out of the house for more than an hour, Robbie would be on the phone,  'Bubla, what are you doing, what are you up to?'.  Becky takes comfort from the thought they shared almost every moment of their six and a half years.  She describes as being with him as 'second nature'

Robbie had many nick names for Becky, some unmentionable.  He called her 'Mouser' and 'Bubla', and 'His Compass', because he said,  'He would be lost without her'. On Becky's birthday card he wrote,  two days before his accident, 'I am the luckiest man in Basingstoke and outlying districts'. Robbie always admired the relationship between his parents. Bruce has as much  affection and love for Anwen as when he married her nearly 50 years ago. Becky feels that this model of lasting respect and affection was modelled by Robbie towards her.

Robbie and Becky had a unique kind of domestic bliss, lived life to the full, and were unquestionably a partnership for life.

And so, on Good Friday,  Becky and friends were heading to a  holiday cottage in Dorset in the car with Robbie following on his motorbike. Becky experienced what we all dread happening to one we love. He never showed up. In the Basingstoke Gazette it says Robbie's bike was a Christmas present - it is important to Becky to say that in fact he bought it for himself.  

After the accident, Becky and the children were advised by his doctors that while Robbie may be very disabled he would nonetheless live. Perhaps in the worst case scenario he might have locked-in syndrome,  in which he would exist, totally conscious with all his  personality intact, but unable to do anything at all apart from make eye movements.

 You, becky, our dear friend, sister and daughter,  said you would do anything, commit your life to nursing him, you would make him be Ok with it. You, as you have done since you met him, would set him right. 

You described to me how  imagined it -   

we can sit with a beautiful view, we can cuddle, I can read to him all day, his children can kiss his face,  he can get to see them married....

They told you in the hospital:' your life is going to be massively restructured , he will need 24 hour care'.... 'That's all fine',  Becky  said,' I'll do anything'. You chose with every fibre of your being to try for any kind of life with your beloved Robbie.

Throughout the emotional undulations my adult life, Becky has quite literally kept me alive with her compassion. Therefore, I know  that If anyone could have nursed Robbie through, it would have been Becky.  But this situation did not require all the beauty that you offer Becky. This was the nuts and bolts of the human brain failing to function.

Robbie had a massive stroke, they operated, but he never came round. The doctors made the decision, that his life support would be taken from him. HIs life and his death, out of your hands.

People flocked to the hospital to see him before he died. Even the staff were crying, his personality shining through his friends  and of course, lovely Becky, through you, even though he was unable to speak for himself.

During the 4 days that Robbie was alive following his accident, three families came together to keep vigil, and Becky feels this is testament to how Robbie managed relationships so well.  Becky,  Libby, his ex wife, her husband , Robbie's former brother-in-law and his children, his current brother in law, his parents and his children. This was enormously comforting for Becky despite the appalling circumstances.

Libby and Tim, Becky wants you to know that you are not alone parenting your gorgeous children  and that Robbie was delighted that Tim had come into their lives. He would take a lot of comfort from knowing that deputy dad is there for them.  

To the children, Layla, Jesse, and Charlie,

 Becky wants to say, "when the four of us are together, your Dad will always be among us. I  have always loved you , but never have I been more grateful for your warmth and gentleness and humour  than in the last two weeks. It has really  become clear to me just how like your  Dad you are and I am so grateful for that. Watch out world three more Fraser's are about to burst forth. "

Becky,  I most grieve, for the unfairness of life, that can mess up so profoundly something that was just so right. Something going well for a change, something we could all aspire to. This death has rammed home that ever-present weird paradox of the human condition that we can love and love and love and then lose so profoundly.  No amount of love can conjure the human body to work again once it shuts down. If love could perform this miracle,  we all know, Robbie would be here now.

On the Sunday after Robbie's death, with the blessing of his family, Becky put a ring on her wedding finger to represent her widowhood. Jessie and Layla went down on one knee and proposed to Becky on behalf of their Dad. 

We can know that Robbie would want this, and that when his big, beating heart ceased to beat, it was stuffed full of love for you,  Becky. One irony is that, this uncomplicated love  will make you miss him so much, but will also sustain you and Layla, Jessie and Charlie, his parents and brother  through the healing and recovery from this death.

And for your friends? There was,  as I was  driving here yesterday, through the grey swathes of rain, a tiny patch of white light over the Ridgeway.  It will take years for you to recover from so intimate a loss, but one tiny patch of light for me in this horrible tragedy is it that it may afford me  the opportunity to repay some cash into the Becky bank of love. A chance to give back to you lovely, left-behind creature, a  tiny fraction of the devotion that you have offered to me, to all those who love you and of course,  and most importantly to Robbie .

Sasha Norris Friday 12 April 2013