For the Funeral of Andrew Robert Fraser
The Sustainability Centre, East Meon, Hampshire
12th April 2013
Dear Anwyn, Bruce, Jesse, Layla, Charlie, Graeme and friends
and family of Robbie,
I know Robbie would wholeheartedly approve, if I
take a few moments to recognise Becky
and the true love she shared with Robbie. I have been close friends with Rebecca Alyson Hay
for our entire adult lives. While I would like to say our friendship is a
balanced one, the truth is that Becky has been there for me in a way I have
never been able to repay. I have sought
her counsel, loving patience and intelligent guidance throughout my life. When
my Father died in 1996 it was Becky who
saw me through the complex grief and chaos that accompanied that loss. Becky has, as Robbie might say, put a lot of
money in the bank of love.
Becky has also, over
the years, had her fair share of unhappy times. So it was with joy and huge
satisfaction that we saw her settle under the broad wing of this man, set up
home, nestle in and become a vital part of his family.
Becky softened Robbie's hard edges, but, because she loved
and approved of him, she didn't dampen him or cause him to lose any of what
made him so special. The embodiment of the expression 'still waters run deep',
calm and compassionate Becky was Robbie's perfect compliment. Robbie
and Becky had that elusive kind of love that only bolsters each other's
confidence, and sense of security. Every
time I have called Becky since she got together with Robbie, and asked 'How are you doing?', she has replied, 'yeh fine'. And that spoke volumes, that means Becky was
happy and happy and happy.
When she met Robbie she was massively attracted to him. She
loved his absolute honesty, no game
playing, no nonsense, you knew exactly what you were getting. It probably
wouldn't surprise people to know, says Becky, that Robbie was just a little a
bit sexist. Becky knew Robbie was with her for life, when after a few months,
he said:
'You're excellent, you've got a man's brain, you are Jason
Flowers in a pretty woman's body'.
Working from home, they
spent every day together. If Becky was out of the house for more than an hour,
Robbie would be on the phone, 'Bubla,
what are you doing, what are you up to?'. Becky takes comfort from the thought they
shared almost every moment of their six and a half years. She describes as being with him as 'second
nature'
Robbie had many nick names for Becky, some
unmentionable. He called her 'Mouser'
and 'Bubla', and 'His Compass', because he said, 'He would be lost without her'. On Becky's
birthday card he wrote, two days before
his accident, 'I am the luckiest man in Basingstoke and outlying districts'. Robbie
always admired the relationship between his parents. Bruce has as much affection and love for Anwen as when he married
her nearly 50 years ago. Becky feels that this model of lasting respect and
affection was modelled by Robbie towards her.
Robbie and Becky had a unique kind of domestic bliss, lived
life to the full, and were unquestionably a partnership for life.
And so, on Good Friday, Becky and friends were heading to a holiday cottage in Dorset in the car with
Robbie following on his motorbike. Becky experienced what we all dread
happening to one we love. He never showed up. In the Basingstoke Gazette it
says Robbie's bike was a Christmas present - it is important to Becky to say
that in fact he bought it for himself.
After the accident, Becky and the children were advised by
his doctors that while Robbie may be very disabled he would nonetheless live.
Perhaps in the worst case scenario he might have locked-in syndrome, in which he would exist, totally conscious
with all his personality intact, but
unable to do anything at all apart from make eye movements.
You, becky, our dear friend,
sister and daughter, said you would do
anything, commit your life to nursing him, you would make him be Ok with it.
You, as you have done since you met him, would set him right.
You described to me how imagined it -
we can sit with a
beautiful view, we can cuddle, I can read to him all day, his children can kiss
his face, he can get to see them
married....
They told you in the
hospital:' your life is going to be massively restructured , he will need 24
hour care'.... 'That's all fine', Becky said,' I'll do anything'. You chose with every
fibre of your being to try for any kind of life with your beloved Robbie.
Throughout the emotional undulations my adult life, Becky
has quite literally kept me alive with her compassion. Therefore, I know that If anyone could have nursed Robbie
through, it would have been Becky. But
this situation did not require all the beauty that you offer Becky. This was
the nuts and bolts of the human brain failing to function.
Robbie had a massive stroke, they operated, but he never
came round. The doctors made the decision, that his life support would be taken
from him. HIs life and his death, out of your hands.
People flocked to the hospital to see him before he died.
Even the staff were crying, his personality shining through his friends and of course, lovely Becky, through you,
even though he was unable to speak for himself.
During the 4 days
that Robbie was alive following his accident, three families came together to
keep vigil, and Becky feels this is testament to how Robbie managed
relationships so well. Becky, Libby, his ex wife, her husband , Robbie's
former brother-in-law and his children, his current brother in law, his parents
and his children. This was enormously comforting for Becky despite the
appalling circumstances.
Libby and Tim, Becky wants you to know that you are not
alone parenting your gorgeous children and
that Robbie was delighted that Tim had come into their lives. He would take a lot
of comfort from knowing that deputy dad is there for them.
To the children, Layla, Jesse, and Charlie,
Becky wants to say, "when
the four of us are together, your Dad will always be among us. I have always loved you , but never have I been
more grateful for your warmth and gentleness and humour than in the last two weeks. It has really become clear to me just how like your Dad you are and I am so grateful for that.
Watch out world three more Fraser's are about to burst forth. "
Becky, I most grieve,
for the unfairness of life, that can mess up so profoundly something that was
just so right. Something going well for a change, something we could all aspire
to. This death has rammed home that ever-present weird paradox of the human
condition that we can love and love and love and then lose so profoundly. No amount of love can conjure the human body
to work again once it shuts down. If love could perform this miracle, we all know, Robbie would be here now.
On the Sunday after Robbie's death, with the blessing of his
family, Becky put a ring on her wedding finger to represent her widowhood.
Jessie and Layla went down on one knee and proposed to Becky on behalf of their
Dad.
We can know that Robbie would want this, and that when his
big, beating heart ceased to beat, it was stuffed full of love for you, Becky. One irony is that, this uncomplicated
love will make you miss him so much, but
will also sustain you and Layla, Jessie and Charlie, his parents and brother through the healing and recovery from this
death.
And for your friends? There was, as I was
driving here yesterday, through the grey swathes of rain, a tiny patch
of white light over the Ridgeway. It
will take years for you to recover from so intimate a loss, but one tiny patch
of light for me in this horrible tragedy is it that it may afford me the opportunity to repay some cash into the
Becky bank of love. A chance to give back to you lovely, left-behind creature,
a tiny fraction of the devotion that you
have offered to me, to all those who love you and of course, and most importantly to Robbie .
Sasha Norris Friday 12
April 2013
